"I sometimes find I'm drifting
Through this life without effect;
I often wonder if I'm truly
Worth what I've been blessed.
I search through days that have been hard,
To try to understand,
The many trials that I have known,
The life that I have had.
You see me in my daily grind,
So confident and strong;
Yet when I am alone, I question
Just where I belong.
I often try too hard I find,
To analyze and guess,
To scrutinize, investigate
My life I will confess.
For somewhere deeper, there must be
Some meaning to this life,
Some way to make a difference,
Give a reason for this strife.
Is there some hidden meaning?
Some agenda to be found?
A greater purpose waiting
If I care to hang around?
It teases and it taunts me,
Always slightly out of sight;
A hazy vision out of reach,
Where darkness hides the light.
I struggle to bring clarity
To what awaits me there,
And yet this weak illusion
Always fades before my stare.
It seems the harder that I try,
To focus through the haze,
Just serves to add more questions,
Through my endless, tired gaze.
Perhaps I'm trying just too hard,
To understand it all,
For can we ever truly know
Just what we have in store?
Each incident, each moment passed,
Just adds upon the next,
But in the end, will I find truth ...
Or will I be perplexed?
Perhaps I make it harder
Than it has to be sometimes,
But will my searching bring to me
My meaning over time?
Or will it leave me broken,
And confused as I feel now,
While questions bring no solitude,
To this, my wrinkled brow.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Yes, yes.. Valentine's Day. Happy2 to whoever's celebrating. I'm not though. Don't think that it's of any importance to celebrate it anyway. It's not that I'm against it lah, but every other day also can be loving2 and spend time together with other partner also mah.. Right not? Heh.. Anyway, was out watching Jumper on the stroke of Valentine's last night. Haha.. I didn't realise it either till he pointed it out. It was indeed quite a great show. Full house. Yesterday, Cineleisure was literally filled with teens and young adults, even at that hour. And yes, you've guessed it right. Almost every single turn I make, there will be any other girls carrying flowers, bears or chocolates lah.. It was a nice and sweet scene though.. As during the day itself, yours truly spent it at work. Was indeed very busy with the Valentine's pizza. And now, I'm indulging my ownself with Ben and Jerry's. I always have that whenever I'm feeling low, but not this time. I guess I do deserve it after tiring myself out at work, ain't it. Haha.. Granny's birthday is tomorrow. Not confirmed whether there'll be any celebrations or not, but I just have to wait for my dearest cousin to keep me informed. I miss those family times back then. And yes, I miss her, very much. I've made my decision. To join in the venture. I will try to learn bit by bit. Come to think of it, it's much more better. Not much of a hassle to go through. No interviews, no uniform, no black and white. Mutual trust is all it takes. There will be pros and cons, no doubt. But hopefully, everything can be resolved, peacefully. Insya'allah. I just need to wait for the official timing and I'll be there most of the time. The tooth pain is acting up again, and it truly sucks. Been 2 weeks now. I'm still having lapses of that. Medication's going to finish soon. And it's gonna take 1 month plus more before the appointment. What else can I do now.. Haiss..
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Been a long time since I last logged in, ain't it.. There's so many things which has happened and which is bound to happen. Not sure where I should start. Maybe I should just summarise it. Heh.. First thing first, I'm still working at the same old place. Been trying to look for full time job but to no avail up till now. Sent out resumes and stuffs, but same old thing too. No fret, I wil just keep on looking and trying. Well, I HAVE to start to be VERY SERIOUS abt jobs and also life. So anyone who has any job to recommend, please do inform me about it. I need it badly. Haha.. I have limited time left so I need to really rush some things. I'm not sure whether I'm ready for the whole thing or whether I've enjoyed life as much, but I'm just taking things as it is. I can only plan and organise, but THE ONE up there will be the judge to it all. HE has the final say after all. And I guess it's true that being older, makes you feel much more adrift from certain things plus having to develop new perceptions. I could no longer think for myself now. Almost every single thing which revolves around me, revolves around other people as well. Being in 'it' is not easy. I mean, been a few years since I last have this kinda thing. Now, it's finally back, and no doubt, it do feels good. Of course, there's pros and cons in it but so far everything is going on well. Alhamdulilah. Only thing will be that, I can no longer take things in my own hand. I have to have referrals. But it's good though. Sharing thoughts and plans.. Exciting plus interesting. Haha.. Work has been great, as usual. There's bound to be hard times obviously but the environment makes work so much livelier and more happening. I doubt I could ever find any other work place like this. The riders plus the Budak Kecik. Having them around is something I look forward to whenever I come to work. The usual clicks especially. Not forgetting, the managers, of course. The greatest bunch of all. Friends. Limited now there are. All leading their own life. I do miss them all. From secondary to ITE and also the ones I'm involved with, which does not belong to this 2 category. I miss every single one of them. Wherever you are, take care and have a wonderful life ahead. Family. Dang! Now is the time to get ready. Need to shift my stuffs and all to my sister's room. It's going to be awkward but I have to deal with it cos I'm going to face it my whole life, unless I'm hitched, of course. I'm just hoping and praying for the best and for things to work out smoothly, in this condition. It's weird to be living with Dad all over again, after being alone for a year. But hopefully, I'll get through it. I just have to start all over again, ain't it.. Guess this is it. Won't be clear as to when I'll be back but won't be too soon though. Till then.. =)
Friday, November 02, 2007
Lots have been happening around me, from Hari Raya, up till now. There's just so many things to settle and my mind is in a great mess. From domestic to personal stuffs. I don't know how to face things at work, in that kinda condition. It truly sucks. Painful and sad, no doubt. I just want to let it all out and cry. But there seem to be no more tears already. I hate to be stuck like this. I'm back to square one right now. I don't know what to believe and who to trust anymore. I guess all I gotta do is rely on The Mighty One. I'm still trying to be strong though I'm pretending my way through almost everything.
Friday, October 05, 2007
This thing. This thing I've been holding inside me. It's hurting too much. I thought things will get better somehow, but it went the opposite way. Nothing is good, currently. I feel aloof. No doubt I have people all around me almost 24/7, but I'm just faking my way through them. Split personality. I might have developed that. It might sound insane. People thought I am a very strong girl. They think I'm fine with all the stuffs happening. Just because I laugh, joke and smile, that doesn't mean everything's ok. The turmoil that I'm facing now, is extremely hard to deal with. I don't even know where to begin or how to initiate it. The people whom I've relied on my entire life, seems to be fading away. Well yeah, I know, for how long am I suppose to rely on people. I got to be independent, some might say. I thought I would be 'adult enough' to handle those matters. How irony can it be, when I truly sucks at it. Truthfully speaking, I'm weak in handling emotions. Especially where domestic and heart matters. I can't help but to feel that you've changed. I don't even know what's on your mind. What are you planning to do with us, what's your next step, are you just gonna leave things be. I keep wondering, when will you actually DO SOMETHING. Maybe you already did, and it's just that I didn't realise it. Well, how am I supposed to, when I don't even see you. Near yet far. I can't help but to feel that I'm living in a world of my own. I lost control over them already. No more conversations nor jokes. Much less smiles. I rarely see them smile nowadays. I know maybe they are also feeling the same thing as I do. But I don't want to burden them with these matters, as school is much more important to them, right now. I want to make things right, but I just don't know how to. I can't help but to keep thinking that, you might have forgotten about me. I know I'm being very unfilial by saying that. I know maybe you have your reasons as to why all these are happening. I'm just disheartened. Everyday, this thing is playing on my mind. Everyday, I'm wondering when will these ever stop. And every single day, I'm hoping that you would call me up and ask about myself. I would love to have those talks with you. Those encouraging talks, advices, the rights and wrongs. And I got to say, that I do miss you scolding me. I just don't hear that any of those anymore. I can't help but to feel that we're drifting further and further apart. And that, we seem to become strangers. This might sound wrong, but I'm not even sure if you still care or know that I'm still here, living and waiting for you. I can't do this alone. Dad, I just want you back. I want the old you back. I just want the four of us, like we've always had, four years ago. However, I know.. This is impossible. I'm just dreaming. It's just a wishful thinking on my part. My birthday's just a few days away. And I'm not sure as to whether you still remember it or not.
Dad, I really miss you.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Well, it's that time of the year again. Frankly speaking, I wasn't looking forward to this. Plus I'm kinda scared of the outcome on the first day. I just want to do things as what I planned for that first day, but I doubt the other party will be pleased with it. I don't feel like celebrating the festive day at all. It don't really hold any significance to me anymore, as of now that is. 2 more months before the end of the year. That is also another issue. Things are getting tougher as the day passes by. It's extremely hard to juggle with these stuffs, twirling in my mind. Many thoughts I left unspoken. Good or bad? I just gotta let time decide.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Hypocrites. They exists everywhere in the world, don't they? At home, work and even in friends and families. Sometimes, it's just hard to deal with complications, all at one go. Sometimes, even you don't realise that you are being a hypocrite towards yourself and others. Why so? I guess it's due to certain situations. I'm sorry but I know I am being such a bitch by doing that. But I can't just keep mum about it. Or rather, I cannot take it anymore. People keep coming to me about your wrongdoings and hoping that I could talk some sense in you as I'm close to you. However, I decline to do so cos I jolly well know that I will lose in that battle against you. Why fight something when you know you're gonna lose, right? At first, I just let it be. But up till now, it's getting worse, when it has started to affect me as well. You just don't act like how you should. You ever told me to differentiate between personal and work, but I guess you never reflect on it. I'm seriously sick and tired of this whole bloody thing. And so are others. Maybe yes to you, you don't even care to bother about them anymore. Let them say what they want to. No doubt, that's right. However, this thing is taking a toll on work. However much it affects me, it affects them too. Maybe you will say that I've changed due to mixing around too much with 'them'. Maybe you'll say that 'they' have influenced and wash my mind about you. Truthfully, yes they did. They opened my eyes and brains as to which is right and wrong, regarding you. Well, in fact you sarcastically mentioned that I'm always with the grown up people hence I no longer listen to you. Like hello, aren't you a grown up yourself? But how come your level of thinking is way too different? Yes, I know different people have different perceptions. You kept telling me to spare a thought for others, and hell yeah, I tried. Thinking back, did you ever spare a thought for me? You are in always in your own world. And in your world, there seems to be only you and her. Is this how things should be if you regard me as your sister, and me regarding you as a brother?? I guess what another brother of mine said is true. I was blind and still am, to have survived and go along with this ridiculous ordeal. Now, you're making faces towards me and never really talk much due to the changes in schedule. Maybe to you it seems unfair. But tell me again, what does fairness really mean to you? I reckon, all in all, I have to put through these, till I find another job. Plus, do you know that it's seriously amazing to be stuck in between 2 parties? I am always bombarded with lotsa stuffs, while you, in a corner of yours and hers, will only watch, doing nothing. Yes, I don't want history to repeat itself, cos it's really not worth my time at all, but have you ever thought that what you're doing is simply too much? Arguing with you over her. That is not going to get me anywhere plus a waste of time and breath. That's the reason I gave my 'so called' grown up cliques. Hence, I'm washing my hands off this particular situation. Whatever happens, I'm just gonna let it happen. Cos that's how HE wanted it to be.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
It's over. Enough said. I just didn't expect things to happen way too soon, plus a bad turning point at that.
A nice beautiful bond, which ended just like that. And I doubt it'll ever recover.
I never thought I would have a complicated future. Well, I guess that's how life works. Maybe HE has the best answer to it all.
Cookie Monster & Spongebob Fan
Huge Procrastinator Dysfunctional mind