Saturday, April 30, 2005
Ok, this sucks!!!!! The entry I wrote just now could not be posted...And as usual, I gotta re-post every single thing back...Dammit!!!!Happy 18th Birthday to my greatest buddy, Khairul Anwar!!!!!!!!!!!!!Wish you all the best in your future endeavours ya....Thanks a lot for everything man. I never regretted having you as a friend. We've been friends for 5 yrs 4 mths now huh...Hope that it'll stay longer...Well buddy, even though we're not in the same instituition anymore, we are still gonna be together as ever right...You know where to find me..Esp if you need any help in Malay, which I don't think so. As Malay is no longer that impt for now right..Hahas...Whatever it is...Stay the way you are...Take care always bro...And also....Happy 14th Birthday to Atiqah aka ath-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!May everything goes on well with you aytes...Study hard and smart..Stop 'lepak-ing' ard...hahas..So basically, it's all abt birthday wishes today..Hahas...I'm getting bored at home..Always lah..Long hols huh...Well everyone, have an enjoyable hols...Take care..'Thinking on your feet is hard when your feet won't stay in one place'.*OvEr aNd oUtz*
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7:36 PM
Thursday, April 28, 2005
I've decided to quit my job..I can't go on anymore. There's just too many commitments in my life for now. There's been a lot of problems going on in my house lately. If I were to work, there's no one to look after my sibz after they're back from school. Used to rely on relatives last time. But I doubt I can ever do that again. They also have their own plans and activites going on. I can't make them sacrifice their stuffs just because of having to look after my sibz. It ain't fair for them.
Somehow, I feel that I'm lacking something. The love which I used to have from my relatives seems to have fade away the moment she's gone. These are the relatives from her side. It's like..when she's already gone, they seem to have shunned us..Well, not really shunned but it's as though they don't care anymore. Everytime when there's a gathering, my dad, sibz and myself seems to be doing our own stuffs. It's like as though we're invisible. Not everyone notices us. Hence..We kinda decided not to go for any gatherings unless it's really important. If she was still here, this thing would not have happened. We would still be treated like the way it used to be.
Since she's gone, the four of us have been living in our own world. We did everything ourselves and we can't really ask them for help. She had left a great impact on the four of us. We are left to fend for ourselves. We're no longer the family we used to be. It's torn and tattered.
If only she wasn't diagnosed with any sickness. I seriously haven't had enough of a mother's love. 16 years. It may seem long to some, but to me..No..It's a short period of time. I didn't get to enjoy or savour every moment of a life with a mother. I miss having someone who scolds and nags at me non-stop. I miss having someone who would prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner for us. I miss having someone who would joke around with us. I miss having someone to spend the weekend with. I miss having someone who's constantly advising and motivating me. I miss her voice. I miss everything which has gotta do with her.
Mother's Day is around the corner yet again. I eventually remembered as everywhere I go, there would be some sales going on for gifts for mothers. I couldn't even remember when actually is mother's day for like a year back. However, this year was an exception. I actually reminded myself of the upcoming day. Usually, I would be busy picking out a gift or trying to prepare something for her on her occassion. This time, it's different. There's no one for me to buy the gift for and share the love with. That particular part is now empty. Or rather, it has been empty for 2 yrs 4 mths. And it's still gonna be that way for years to come.
Everything that is associated with 'LOVE' is a really complicated thing. There seem to be no answer to every problem with 'LOVE'. All I have now are memories which I can reminisce till my dying day, be it of a mother's love or a guy's love.
'Some memories are more precious than LOVE itself'.
*OvEr aNd oUtz*
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9:58 PM
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
I saw 'him'!!!!!!!! 'He' was waiting for 28 outside bedok inter as 'he' has just finished sch. I'm not sure whether 'he' noticed me or not. But my friend said 'he' did. Gosh...I just couldn't believe my eyes when I saw 'him'. I was walking right beside 'him'...As in the place where 'he' was sitting. How I miss 'him' so much...If only 'he' knows...It's been so many months since I last saw 'him.I kinda felt uneasy when we were at bedok giant. I was afraid that I would bump into 'him' as that was the time where 'he' has just finished sch. It was ard 5 plus btw. However, instincts told me that I might really bump into 'him'. When we were sending off our teacher to the train station, my eyes was brought to this particular view and I immediately recognize that it was really 'him'. I was dumbfounded. I started to tremble all of a sudden and I couldn't really breathe properly. My heart was thumping very fast. And I don't know why.I wished I had talked to 'him'. However, there were just so many stuffs in my mind upon the sight of 'him'. First, I was kinda worried of 'his' reaction towards me. Second, I didn't know what I should say. And lastly, I was again kinda prudent that 'he' would ignore me like it has always been. After sending that teacher off, I quickly walked away. I left my friends behind. I could hold on no longer. And again..I hate to do this..But I eventually cried. I can't forget the sight of 'him'. Not now or ever. 'His' face just seems to have taken a place within me. Mind, body and soul.Why must all of the things that I have in my hand slipped away?? Why couldn't I just hold on tight to it?? Damn...I hate myself...Couldn't I at least have another chance to correct everything? I wouldn't want my relationship to end just like that. With no words or anything. I don't want a silent ending..It hurts me deeply. 'Fate brought me to you but it was my heart which told me to love you'.*OvEr aNd oUtz*
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8:05 PM
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Nothing's been going on in my life lately..Everything's still the same..Towards the end of the month yet nothing has been proven. I've been thinking to myself lately. I think I'm lying to myself. I'm lying to everyone ard me. Why must I force myself to do this? I really can't do it. I really can't seem to be getting rid of it. Wherever I go, memories lingers within me and I can't stand it. With a gush of wind, those feelings came back at once. Even though I've said that I ain't gonna harbour anymore of it. Why is it so damn freaking tough to let go of the bloody feelings?! A part of my heart says 'hate' whereas another part says 'love'. It's being divided into 2 feelings. And due to this, I'm pretending to 'hate' when I'm ard ppl but when I'm all alone or tryna find some peace, the 'love' gets within me. I don't wanna be someone of 2 different characters. Yeah..Have been wearing a mask all this while and hoaxing everything to everyone but I can't go on like this, can I?? I don't wanna live in a shadow of 'his'...But it seems that my own shadow keeps pulling me back towards 'his'...I believe that whatever happens is all fate. Can't deny that. It's been quite a few mths..But why is it still so hard for my shadow to let go of 'his'?? I guess, I gotta talk some sense to my shadow huh...I've came across certain ppl's blog..and it seems that they're kinda in the same boat as me..I kept advising to these kinda ppl, but when it comes to my ownself, I could do nothing abt it.This is absurd man...How I wish I could start sch soon so as to keep my mind occupied..But to think back, can sch really take my mind of it?? I wonder...'I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead. Tuned in, turned on, remembered everything you said.'*OvEr aNd oUTz*
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11:30 PM
Sunday, April 24, 2005
I don't know why I risk my heart loving
When I know it would break again
The pieces of my heart which I once picked up
Would be shattered once again
Should I leave him or should I stay?
Sometimes I wish I could leave him astray
But it would hurt me if I have to
Tell me now, what am I supposed to do?
Refraining myself from feeling this way
But just too bad the feeling will stay
Wondering when will it go away
Regretting every minute every day
When you tell me you love me
It's a major sentence, can't you see?
Shedding these tears is a waste of time
It's like wasting my every dime
I love you and I will always do
But my heart always bleeds for you
Can't you see how my love is true?
I don't think I will give you any clue
I once told you, "Don't leave me please!"
Cos being with you is such a bliss
Whenever you gave me your special kiss
I feel so great, I feel so peace
Note that, good things don't last forever
I'm glad that we were once called lovers
Now, I'm bidding you my goodbye
And I'm trying hard not to cry.
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8:40 PM
Friday, April 22, 2005
As usual, my dad bought the paper home after work. Wasn't expecting anything though. After reading a particular page, I will just keep on turning and turning to read more interesting news. I was kinda surprised when I turned to this particular page. I saw my name. Upon reading everything, it has been confirmed that it is my entry. Didn't expect them to publish it as I was only trying it out. Little did I know it's being publicised. I obtained support from my dad when he knows that it was me who wrote it. He asked me to create even more and send it for publication. Woahh...Real support man..It ain't easy to have something being publicised ya know. Gotta crack my brains out. Well, actually what I wrote there was from the bottom of my heart. I was having some kinda trouble at that point of time. Now, I guess I really have to mean my words and just forget abt the feelings. No matter how long, time will heal everything, like I've said in there. For those who don't know what I'm blabbering abt here, ya might wanna refer to the malay newspaper today where ya'll find an entry somewhere on one of the pages.'Being right on the verge of getting something generates a desire that has to be satisfied'.*OvEr aNd oUtz*
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8:35 PM
Dia Fadila----Aku masih setiaKini telah tiba masanyaUntuk kita berbicaraTentang hubungan iniYang makin dingin dan menyepiTeman-temanku membawa beritaBerita kecuranganmuNamun aku masih mampuMasihku bertahan keranaAku masih setiaNamun kesabaranku ada batasnyaMungkin jua kernaAku masih menyintaiBukanku menyalahkanHanya sekadar ingin mengingatkanmuAgar cinta iniKembali bahagiaSemakin kusut ku rasaiHari berganti hariEngkau terus membisuEgomu makin membelengguApakah aku yang keliruBingung dikaburi cemburuAtau sememangnya dirimuSebenarnya begituAku bukan bonekaYang bisa kau lakukan semahunyaNamun cinta iniKu bertahanDan keranaAku masih setia..Di sudut hatiku Masih percayaDikau kembali seperti semulaDikaukan kembali...sayang..
Thursday, April 21, 2005
And so I'm back....Well, was already back by sunday night but had been busy lookin for jobs hence didn't update for a while. Overall, the trip was ok..Had fun and stuffs...Went shopping here and there till my legs nearly gave way to me. It was all due to the seniors we were with...They're the kind which is like 'shop till you drop'. Me and my friend were really really damn tired liao but they still don't wanna stop. Haiss...Nevertheless, they were great kinda people.So for the past few days, had been searching for jobs. Filled in lotsa application form and heard the same old comment. 'We'll call you if you're selected". Sians....Hahas...Well, I'm just tryna spend my time doing something worthwhile and not just laze around doing nothing. I'm totally bored at home..Went to Tampines Stadium today to meet up with a couple of mates and also my bro...They were busy training for their Sports Day which will be on next Friday, 29/4. Just now was the heats. Well, as usual...I just fit myself into the atmosphere and join in the fun. As in the cheerings and stuffs. Yeahs...Was shouting and cheering for my friends who's running. I really miss sports day. I miss running 4 by 100m too. Can't wait to start school so that I can have my run again..Lols..Aizat was there too. He is one hell of a joker man. Once you're stuck with him, you won't be bored. There will always be lotsa stories or jokes to listened. My friend and I was practically laughing like hell for as long as we were there. Goodness!!! Really can't tahan this guy man..Such a humorous guy. If you've got something heavy on your mind, look for him. He'll be there to relieve it. It works for me...Thank God.Was trying to run away from my 'kor kor', Edwin as I don't want my cheeks to be his victims but yet another 'kor kor' came and victimized my poor poor cheeks. Kena pinched again..Aiyo...Pity myself man..hahas...Saw Frankie too..another 'kor kor' of mine...He's just waiting to be enlisted..Might not be schooling for now..Haiyo..hahas..Can't wait to see him 'botak'. Lols..Met up with a few teachers..And went back home soon after. Damn tired liao..These few days have been a really hectic one for me. Woke up early, slept late. Haiss..Superrrrr depressed...Oh yeahs...Now, there's another someone who's bugging me again. Damnation!!!! I shouldn't have answered the call just now. Now, what shall I do with this 'psycho' man...I'm just not ready to be involve again..I've had enough of it for the time being. I'm sick and tired of being involve already. All I want is to lead a new life with a new hope. I'm wishing for that badly.'Anything a person chases in life runs away.'*OvEr aNd oUtz*
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7:19 PM
Friday, April 15, 2005
I miss my sister!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahas..She has been MIA due to a camp at Bukit Timah with her school. Her first camp ever..Wonder how she'll survive...Hmms..Oh well, she'll be back tomorrow morning ard 11 but I'm the one who won't be here. I'll be out of town by then. Shall see her again when I come back..Hmms...My 'kor kor' called me up just now regarding school matters. Long time never talked to him man..Even though we chatted on msn, sometimes. But what I missed the most was bickering with him. Hahas...I love bickering with him..He too, always like to bully me. Just now was the chance to kinda get back at him after such a long time. Lols..Oh yeahs..Went to watch SYF just now...Man, all their dance moves are really fabulous!!!! It's damn fantastic...So many schools and different dance moves. Well, some of them were the same though. Hmms..Can't comment much...All of them did their best. Will hear the news regarding our school tomorrow by our 'big sis' then...Shall continue msn-ing now...Till then, Tata....And oh yeah...For my ex-sch students, All the best for tomorrow's speech day...'The most attractive quality of all is dignity'.*OvEr aNd oUtz*
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12:48 AM
Thursday, April 14, 2005
After having bad days for the past few days, was feeling kinda relieved yesterday. Well, not really relieved though. Was pretending to be rather. Last night, went to bed early ard 8pm. Was feeling kinda weak and wobbly all over as soon as I reached home. Didn't feel like taking dinner or watch tv. Just headed straight to bed. My plans of watching my chinese drama, The Amazing Race and also soccer match btwn Liverpool and Juventus was gone as I laid in my bed, drifted to sleep. At first, was having kinda hard time to sleep also. But I forced myself. I told myself to just sleep and forget abt nonsensical stuffs that has been around my life and in my mind. I wanna wake up feeling fresh the next day and the next and more to come. I really should have a new life or I'll be getting a lecture again.Was in school yesterday. Well, was kinda summoned by ppl to come down. Haiss...Nevertheless, I came down willingly. upon reaching there, I saw my brother. He was with his gf. Thought of calling out to him, but nahs....It's been such a while since I talked to him. Esp after that incident. Met my buddy to pass his diskette. He's the Officer-in-charge for this year's speech day parade btw. Wow!! Hahas..He had put in a lot of effort for the parade as I can see. Even though, there were some...well...complications going on..He still stand strong. That's the way he is. Always determined. I admire him for his determination. Again, I saw my brother. This time he was addressing his squad. No chance lah to talk to him. Well, stayed longer to watch the speech day rehearsal. It's gonna be on this friday, tomorrow that is. Won't be able to turn up tomorrow though. The march past was a thrill. It's great to see all the uniform groups cooperating with each other making a perfect parade. But what excites me the most was the fancy drill done by our very own NPCC. It was something new for this year's SDP. Their theme song was from Bond, explosion. Great one huh..I'd say the cadets gave their all in doing it and they've been practising real hard. Tough on ya guys.. Watched my brotherdoing it. He too, concentrated real hard during the fancy drill. He did it with splendid. Was proud of him. =)I love the moves from our modern dance. Well, some of them lah..Very nice, slick moves. But I love their theme song the most. Hahas..They'll be having their SYF competition this noon and I will be following them to the Kallang Theatre too. Yeahs...Can't get enough of them..Lols..I just love watching their steps. Oh yeahs, the malay dance too, had cute moves, I'd rather say. The dancers were like jumping2 around...Esp one of the gals whom I know. Due to that, they got a Silver for SYF. Not bad lah hor...Finally, after everything was over, had the chance to talk to my brother. Was just crapping with my frens outside the staff room when I suddenly saw my brother and his gf again..I then shouted something towards him..Not really shout lah..Just say out loud. I hope his gf won't mind. Hahas..I miss this lil bro of mine really much...He thought I was still mad at him..Haha..I pity him lah..Had been training so heavily that he looked so exhausted. Tsk tsk..Managed to talk for a while only as he gotta sent his gf off. I was contented though. He is also another one who was always by my side, listening to my probs, advising and offering help. He is such a caring and warm-hearted guy. His gf is lucky to have him. I adore the both of them. And I love this brother of mine like my own. He was among one of those who made me realized something. And I appreciate it very much.Hmms...I shall now have my shower and get ready to meet my fren. We'll be going to school before proceeding to the Kallang Theatre with our 'big sis'. Won't be updating till next week. Will be out of town..I might stay there even longer. I think I wanna try doing things which I can't really do it here, in Singapore. One of my frens know what I mean. Hahas...So ppl, have an enjoyable weekend ya. And pls do take care always.'In a world torn by change, still with all my heart, till my dying day'.*OvEr aNd oUtz*
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10:20 AM
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Oh great!!! Here I am posting a new entry at 8.50am. I've never woken up this early before. Well, at least for a few months lah. The reason being was I'm tired from tossing and turning yet again. I couldn't have a wink at all last night!!!! Fugk!!!! It's really damn freaking irritating..And the best thing is I didn't feel a bit sleepy right now!! I'm superrrrrrrrrrrrr STRESSED!!!!!!!! Yes, I am back to my stress mode. And it's of a high level. I need to get medication asap before it dies on me. I CAN TAKE IT NO MORE!!!!!!
Had another long lecture by the same friend of mind whom I mentioned in my last entry, last night. It lasted for, I think, nearly 3 hours. Well, at first I asked that friend's opinion on smoking, clubbing and movies. Yeahs...So it was just a casual talk. Then we proceeded on something more serious. Not sure how we suddenly went to that topic though. But for sure, I was in for another lecture. After having some recaps, I told that friend that I ain't strong enough to endure this freakin probs. I feel like quiting but I know it ain't easy. Why? It's because of me. My ownself. I don't know why I don't wanna do it. That friend again, advised me saying, "We cant be your bed and matress forever...we cant always say that you are wat u are....because its wat u think you are that is impt...coz afterall ...its your life...not mine...so if you're gonna be a plane going down with the pilot sleeping....your frens at the controll station cant really do shit!!!cuz we all can juz shout to the mic and hope that you would wake up...but if u wanna create suicide and bring the whole plane down...then ...its ultimately your choice. yeah...we will feel sad...lost...but only for a moment...then its back to our lives...so i say again....its over...".That friend then told me something else. Which is of the same thing my girlfriend told me weeks ago. That friend had the same story. This ain't the first time where I heard stories..but thrice!!! Same venue, same person. What the hack am I supposed to do??!! Should I believe it or not??!! And well, the stories which I heard it from came from very reliable sources!! Should I confront that person??!!! Or should I just wait and SUFFER yet again??!! That friend then told me off. "When are u gonna listen to wat i say? IT IS SIMPLY OVER.....its time for u to come to terms that u lost....and its time to turn the page....coz you are reading the same page over and over again...stop remembering...ignore the feelings...juz trust that u can make it on your own...now its you against yourself....".It seems that all this while I haven't put what that friend said in action. Yes, I didn't listen to what that friend said. And I don't know why. I'm having a terrible headache as I'm typing this out. And it sucks!! I just don't understand. Why can't ppl just tell the truth??!! Ain't it betta then hearing other ppl talk abt ya?? Is it so damn bloody hard to even tell what the hack are ya thinking or feeling?? Yes, no doubt truths are always hard to swallow, but ain't it betta that way rather then let ppl suffer for ya doings??!!! Do ya have any idea how my days went, just tryna solve this thingy?? I've even been told off my so many ppl who's tryna make things turn out right for me.Let me tell ya'll this....IT'S NOT BLOODY RIGHT TO PLAY PPL AROUND. TO CHEAT PPL OF THEIR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. IF YOU'RE SUFFERING, THE OTHER PARTY SUFFERS MORE AS HE/SHE IS BEING PLAYED ARD WITHOUT HIS/HER KNOWING IT. PLS, DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR AND JUST TELL THE DAMN TRUTH. IT'S BETTA THAT WAY RATHER THEN YOU KEEP THINGS TO YOURSELF. HOW LONG MORE ARE YOU GONNA ABLE TO PLAY THE GAME ARD?! EVENTUALLY, THERE WILL COME A DAY WHERE TRUTHS ARE BEING SURFACED. SO WHY NOT TELL TRUTHS NOW???!!! IT'S GONNA BE THE SAME THING. GET RID OF YOUR EGO AND SELFISHNESS. THINK FOR YOURSELF AND ALSO THE OTHER PARTY. THINK OF YOUR FUTURE. AS MUCH AS YOU DON'T WANNA RUIN YOUR FUTURE, DON'T GO ARD RUINING OTHER'S FUTURE AS WELL. THINK PEOPLE, THINK.I really need a medication asap or I'm gonna burst. All these are just too much for me to handle. I don't wanna go back to hospital again...The thought of it just turns me off. God, I need strength from YOU to overcome all these which YOU have set for me. Pls, gimme the strength and endurance that I need.'A person's fleeting action can cause an eternal heartache'.*OvEr aNd oUtz*
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8:50 AM
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
12th april reminds me of something somehow. Should I acknowledge it or just pretend that it never happens?? I guess, it never meant to happen at all. I guess, I have been dreaming all this while..Maybe, I've been dreaming for way too long..I need a slap of reality. Can someone help me do so? Maybe, there already is a someone who has awaken me from this dream. That friend of mine never fails to keep advising me over and over again. Never fails to encourage me. That friend of mine has also suffered the same fate as me. That is why that friend could understand exactly what my predicament is all abt. That friend has been drilling the same thing in my mind for the past months. But again, I refused to acknowledge it. I respect that someone as a friend..A strong one at that. If that friend could do it and face the world bravely, why couldn't I?? Why am I acting this way? Am I doing more harm to myself?
I thought to myself. Maybe, I'm afraid to face the truth. Afraid the facts. But then again, no...It's not that I'm afraid to face it. I fear that I don't have enough strength to face everything at one shot. Once, my world has turned bleak due to a loss dearly to me. However, I bravely faced the storms that were wrecking my life. Then, again..Another bleak happened. Why couldn't I do the same thing and face it bravely? What's the difference now that I can't face it on my own? I've always been on my own, haven't I?? Hence, what's stopping me to be on my own feet again?? Why must I cling onto things which have already past? No, it's not a past just as yet. It's still happening. And I have no answer as to when will it stop playing..I don't want to play this silly game anymore. My opponent is far too strong for me to overcome.
I really need to go away as soon as possible. And, yes..The day will come soon.
'Just because I don't say things doesn't mean I don't feel them'.
*OvEr aNd oUtz*
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5:38 PM
Monday, April 11, 2005
I played a horrible joke on someone this afternoon!!!!!!!
I made up a story which was kinda serious and also involves life and death.
Oh gosh...I did all this for my own benefit. For my own life. Yes, I know what I did was wrong but I couldn't help it. I have no other way to get away from that person. I've tried telling that person my situation but that person just won't seem to budge. What more can I do?? I ain't brave enough to really TELL that person off. I'm not the kinda person who would want to tell someone off unless it's really crucial. But, I don't know abt this thingy. That person has land me in a state of confusion and depression. This whole thing just sucks!!! What am I to do if that person calls again next week??!!
Problem after problem comes to me...And I'm struggling real hard to solve each and every one of them. I almost thought of going to the police due to this stalker man...I really don't know what more should I do. Life's tough...
'When you lose your edge, the relationship loses its fire'.
*OvEr aNd oUtz*
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7:22 PM
Sunday, April 10, 2005
My dad was the savior for the day!!! He finally figured out what to do and hence everything was back as per normal. Thank God. It goes like this..My kitchen has been 'flooded' several times due to the washing machine. At first we thought it was due to the pipe which was leaking but when my dad got it changed, it was still being 'flooded'. I just couldn't figure out just what is wrong. There's nothing wrong with the machine, the pipe has already been changed..So what could possibly be the problem right?? It occured again yesterday. This time more worse. The whole kitchen has been 'flooded'. There was water everywhere. After my dad came home from work, he started to sort things out. At first, he tried to get rid of the water but didn't seem to work. Then, he used his bare hands and went down the drainage hole. Yucks!!! He used his bare hands, mind you. I was obviously shocked at his action man!!! He said maybe something got stucked in the hole hence the water couldn't flow through the hole properly. Then, an idea struck him. He asked me for a hanger. Those for hanging clothes one..Yeahs..That. He opened up the hanger and used the wire and went down the hole again. This time, he got it. What stucked to the hanger was a small lump of dirt. It was really small..I just couldn't believe that due to that small lump, the whole hole was stucked and hence 'flooded' my kitchen!!! Haiyo...!!! It has been resolved finally...Thanks to my dear dad...Hahas...At night, went to the shophouses and bought my sis camp stuffs. Yeahs..She's goin to camp soon!!!! Had dinner at MCD and saw the same crew which my friend had an incident with. Hahaha...I was reminded of the incident upon seeing that guy seh...I could only smile and smile..And that guy kept his head down and continue doing his work. Hehe...Oh yeahs..On friday night ard 10pm, my dad went story-telling abt ghost and black magic. The three sibs which includes me of course, listened attentively. We were really concentrating on his stories that when my friend called, I didn't even bother to answer it. Hahas...Sorry lah. the stories were really eerie till I had goosebumps all over me. My sister were like already very scared and kept heading closer to my dad..Hahas..My bro being the sort of brave one just stayed there, stiffed as a stone. It was fun though..Exchanging stories with my dad. It was not a hoax though, as he encountered it himself before. It was a whole 2 hours man..Now, I can no longer concentrate on blogging as I'm on the phone with my friend. Aisey...I guess, I'm done for now.. *OvEr aNd oUtz*
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2:10 PM
Thursday, April 07, 2005
And so it's true...It's hard to believe at first but thinking back on the condition, it ought to be happening. Earlier during the day, I asked my friend abt someone's well-being. Well, yeahs..as always, this friend of mine will say the same old thing. "He's fine". There's an addition to it however. My friend told me that 'he' is now working. Where, as what etc, my friend doesn't know. All he knows is that 'he' is working. Am I supposed to be surprised or shocked or what??
Then when nightfall came, I asked another friend of mine to confirmed 'the news'. It proves to be true. They had contacted each other a few days or weeks before and hence my friend knew abt it. I was kinda dumbfounded. I don't know what was rushing through my mind at that point of time. All I know was that I kept thinking of 'his' condition. Yes, no doubt I still care for 'him'.
Now that my mind is slightly clear, all sorts of qns are running through it. There's just so many stuffs that I wanna know. What's happening?
I don't know what happened at home just now. It seems that the ppl at home are kinda pissed off with me..Just what the hack did I do wrong? Sibz are getting from bad to worse..Dad..I don't know...What really went wrong...I have no idea. Here I am tryna solve my own personal thingys, and something else just blast off at home..I'm really really so tired..I don't know if I can hold on any longer.. A new life that I was dreaming to have, came crashing back down.. Can I just live my own life where there's no one to disturbed me?? It's due to this kinda thingys that happened, that makes me wanna have a childhood dream come true. Which is live on my own somewhere else. Migrating for short.
'I would rather be hated for who I am, then to be loved for something I am not'.
*OvEr aNd oUtz*
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10:38 PM
Never Get Into A Love When U Meant To Break A Heart...Never Look Into Eyes When You Meant To Lie... Promises Are Meant To Be Kept... Wishes Are Only Meant To Be Fulfilled... Scars Will Never Heal... Hearts Are Not Meant To Be Played With... Lies Are Only Meant To Hurt.. And Sorry Is NOTHING But A Word..
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
I survived last morning's match between my all time fave team, Liverpool and Juventus!!!! Hahas...Usually when this kinda matches are being telecast during those kinda time, in the wee morning I mean, I would sleep halfway through the game. My eyes gave up on me even before the half-time whistle. But it was sure an exception this time round. I forced my eyes open even though I was already tired being on the net for long hours. I simply couldn't miss this match as I've missed many others so many times. Hahas..Besides, it's my fave team playing. Well, I must say the sleeping hours which I forgo was all worthwhile cos Liverpool managed to win the first leg!!!! Ain't no regret abt stayin up till in the wee morning...Lols. Was practically enjoying watching the game alone..So fun.While others have already woken up to proceed with their daily jobs, I was just abt going to get to bed. 5 am. Yeahs..Slept at that time. And I could sleep at ease. That's the best part!! Was awoken up by a phone call at exactly the strike of noon. By my friend. Shoots!!! Was planning to sleep even longer...Then came a call distrupting my beauty sleep. Hence, gotta start washing up and meet her and others in sch..Haiss...Didn't get enough sleep. On the journey to interchange, I was practically yawning away on the bus. I could barely open my eyes. I have no idea how many times I've yawned but it was sure more than 5. This was the result of stayin up late just for a soccer match!! I'm still wondering whether or not to stay up and watch Chelsea's and Bayern Munich's match this morning...!!! Hmmms...Life's been going on as usual. Same old routine day after day. There hasn't been any change in my life for now. If there were to be one, I would be damn grateful, I tell ya. It would be like a miracle man..Well, maybe some might know as to what changes I'm talking abt. Well, before I start blabbering abt fatuous things, I shall end my entry for today. I'll leave ya guys with a poem. =)'All the words were in my heart, they went unspoken. Now, my silent heart is a heart that's broken'.Vertigo
The winds of your smile,
Wild, exhilarating and hospitable
To heave and sweep my heart higher,
By your currents that seems stable
Bracing me to an unbelievably high summit,
With the glimmer of pure sweetened air
And from this raised pinnacle here,
A lovely vista was everywhere
Promises of your lofty hand
With flowers to awe and impress
Their colors twinkled in the sunlight
And within them, your allure tried to profess
I was standing up there in a reverie for so long
That when you faded away, I did not know
Suddenly, a kind of tottering disorder
Screamed into my confused soul
For your cruel abrupt departure
Had left me so insecure and stranded
On this highland with no way to go downBitterly stricken, amid the useless dust and dirt.*OvEr aNd oUtz*
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11:04 PM
Monday, April 04, 2005
It seems that I've been gorging myself with chocos these few days...M&Ms to be exact...What does that indicate?? It means that I haven't been myself nowadays...Since I can't really binge on ice-creams, I've switched to chocos instead..I seriously don't know what's wrong.....Or do I?? Do I actually know the reason?This feeling in me just won't go away, no matter how hard I tried to force it out of me. It has been with me for nearly one long year...Hence, it ain't really easy to just pour water over the flame, right? When everything else is almost settled, or rather already settled, there's still one thing that keeps bugging me. This thing is always on my mind. Am trying hard to find solutions to sort of dissolve the residue...Now, why am I talking in science terms?? Lols..Oh well, get back to what I was talking. I haven't been able to find ways to solve what's happening..I wonder, why I can easily find ways to solve other ppl's probs or help them with their probs when I myself am having such an arduous time with my own probs. It seems that their probs could easily be solved, be it family, friends or even relationships. But not me. Well, basically it's because they're not facing what I'm facing. Each ppl faces different probs. Mine's kinda confusing...It's been so many months..Yet, nothing has been done. Who's really at fault, I have no idea. Am I being hard-headed or the other party is?? Is this what ego is all about?? Oh man...But I'm not being ego here ain't it..I tried doing all I could, but there's just no response.It's already April. APRIL. APRIL. I remembered..This was the month where it all began. Will it ever continue? Or will there be an ending to this chronicle of mine? No matter how bad I don't want it to cease, every story has a conclusion somehow, ain't it? Even histories has their desistance. How am I suppose to make a narration goes on and on?? I am feeling so solitary.I just miss everything which I ever did before. It insinuates that ever since this thingy happened to me, I've kinda lost the 'power' within me."If there's no beginning, there won't be an end". This qoute has set me thinking. No beginning, no end. If only...Have I been waiting for far too long? Have I been wasting my time? That's what ppl around me said so. But what's waiting if it's worthwhile, right? The thing is...I don't know if it will ever be worthwhile..I gotta find it out somehow and I know I will find out eventually. But when?? Tomorrow? The day after? Weeks? Months? Or Years? I really hope I could get the answer or conclusion by this month..Maybe..It's hard to say.'There's a touch that's missing, an emptiness that I never know and it's tearing me apart'.*OvEr aNd oUtz*
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11:50 PM
Saturday, April 02, 2005
I have just recovered fully from Chicken-pox and yet now, I'm having a flu. One after another...Aiyoh...Kinda troublesome ya know when you're not in the pink of health. Haiss...The weahter these days are not too good either. But it's cool..I miss the rain...Hahas..Met up with my long time mate yesterday as I borrowed something from her..Went to Parkway Parade meet up with another friend of mine who's busy working. Accompanied her for lunch and then headed back to her work place. Whereas me and my the other mate proceeded to town to have lunch with her boyfriend who has just finished working.Met her boyfriend and then both started shopping for stuffs. Went to Wisma, Heeren, Ngee Ann City...Aiyoh...I was already tired by then. My legs were aching. Well, our so called lunch then turned into a dinner. It was already 5.30pm when we reached Seoul Garden. Hurray!! I finally get to have dinner at Seoul Garden again...!! Hahas...I just love eating there. Again, like the day before, I was in for a treat. Hahas...This is the time where I can 'sabo' my friend as both of them just got their pay yesterday..Haha. What an evil friend I am..Lols.Stayed there for abt 2 hours. Well, we had lotsa story from current life, school, work...Yeahs...I miss this girlfriend of mine loads man hence we had lotsa conversations..Basically, I had a great time meeting up with them lah..But when I was together with my girlfriend and her boyfriend, I feel like there's a part of me which is missing and I'm missing it real bad. During the journey back home, on the cab, I reminisce on those moments...It suddenly came back rushing through my mind. Due to that, it gave me a sense of dejection. Oh well...And I just came back from meeting yet another friend of mine. The same person whom I went to buy the tix for my upcoming trip. Woah...It seems that I meet people everyday man...Went to Mcd to have something and stayed there for abt 2-3 hours. Talked and joked around almost every minute. She told me quite a shocking thing abt her 'girlfriend'. Well, it was because my friend sort of brainwash that 'girlfriend' to do something which not all women of her age would do. Yes, it's a women. That 'girlfriend' of hers is way older than me. Haha..Only me and her know why I called her 'girlfriend'. I was really stunned when she told me that. Haha..Very funny man..Then again, conversations as usual. First we talked abt the upcoming trip..Plan our journey so that it'll be easier for us..During that conversation, one hilarious incident happened between my friend and the Mcd crew. And I really mean hilrarious as I laughed my heads off. It was so damn funny...It's kinda complicated to state it here but it was indeed a load off my shoulder. I haven't had such a good laugh this few weeks man..We went on talking abt our school life which we will be back in a few months time. We wonder when will we ever get the chance to meet each other and spend time together again..There's just so many 'wonder of our lives'...Hmms...I can't remember how we got into talking abt relationships...My friend told me abt her past experiences and I admire her for her strong-will. How I wish I could be as strong-will and not so soft-hearted as her...Wouldn't that be good? My friend wants someone to be by her side and care for her for now but it seems that the guys which are around her doesn't really suit her needs, well..so called lah...Whereas for me....It's different. Like I told my friend, I'm not sure of the position that I'm in. It's a very misty status. Very complicated and confusing situation.I gotta end this now...Am going to watch the live telecas of the Ms Singapore Universe. Natasha Riard and Jeannie Fong catches my eyes..Both are really sweet-looking. Hopefully, either one will win.. Oh yeahs...Did I mention that I got punched by my freaking bro today?? Haiss....*OvEr aNd oUTz*
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