Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Firstly, I would like to apologize to the people who thinks that I've shunned you guys away by not mixing/talking/and keeping to myself most of the time. You guys have done no wrong whatsoever so don't worry. I'm currently having the BIGGEST PROBLEM which involves my future and my entire life. I'm not ready to really talk about it as I think it's not really something to be proud of( or is it?). Well, I'm still finding the answer. This whole predicament is taking myself down. I keep thinking and thinking, regardless of day or night, at work or in school and even in my sleep.
I don't want to be a hypocrite to myself(which I think I already am) about this whole matter. I want to MEAN what I say. As in really really mean and support it. I gave the support but it seems that I can't accept the whole thing, just yet. Everything is just TOO SUDDEN. Having new people in your life suddenly changes everything. Practically every SINGLE THING. Living situation, financially, my night life etc. I'm not sure whether I can still do what I'm doing right now in the coming future or not. I don't want anything to change. I mean I'm fine this way. Being like this is perfectly just right. Close friends told me that I'm supposed to give chances and adapt to changes, and that time will play its part. I don't want to feel restricted later on in life. Even though the freedom I have now is not really much, I'm content with it. Getting home in the morning around 2 or 3 is kinda norm for me during the weekends. I don't want this particular thing to be disallowed or whatever you called it. The most important thing of all is I DON'T WANT TO MOVE AWAY FROM THE CURRENT LIVING PLACE. My work place is nearby, my relatives lives around the area, I can just walk back home from the coffeeshop I frequent till morning, my dearest brother lives nearby too. Practically, I've grown attached to this place. It'll be sucha turning point if I were to ever move. This WHOLE THING is super tough. There's just TOO many factors to think about but I just don't dare to speak my mind. I don't want to disappoint nor do I want to rebel against anyone. Siblings seems to be happy about the whole thing. Looks like they are looking forward to it. But not me.
Totally different story now.
Timetable's changed. No more lessons till 4. The latest is 3. And the earliest is 12. HRA is getting sucha dread. And as usual, will try to sleep even though I'm right in front. Cannot take it lah, just 2-3 pages alone, he will take more than 2 days to teach. Wahlau eh...Can pengsan sia..AOA is beginning to be a lil interesting for me. Maybe lah. Sometimes will just give up and surf the net when I don't understand what she's talking about, and will then make it up by asking mates around me. Heh..MKT. Another interesting module. Projects coming up soon. Gotta make plans for it already. Might be doing it individually?? Cos some of my grp mates have signed up for the MasterCard thingy. Well, everything is not confirmed yet though.
Things in school are taking on a totally different toll now. Tension seems to be getting higher/bigger/whatever lah. There's just no more US anymore. Everyone seems to be heading their own ways. I blame no one. Maybe they have their reasons for doing so. And for whatever reason it may be, I respect it. No doubt I may not know the WHOLE story, but I know being in the situation itself is seriously dreadful. Some may put on a calm and happy front when in fact, their hearts and minds are rocking like hell. Truth is, I'm not really used to the tension after a yr plus being together and stuffs. Laughters, stories, smiles are not being shared anymore. Well, I guess I too have to start leading my own way somehow. It's just a wonder and irony on how US used to be so close yet so far now. Just due to some misunderstandings?? Well, maybe to me it's not really a HUGE thing but to them maybe it is. Hence, I shall now take myself off from it. No matter what, both sides are still my friends. They used to be the ones cheering, motivate and help me during those times. Memories are all that remains.
Enough of all these. Hana, get well soon ayte. Am sorry that your Raya wasn't a wonderful one. Well, mine wasn't either. It has not been any for the past 4 years. Next year might be different however. Gosh..I can't imagine IT happening.
Till then, Assalamualaikum.
'The only certainty is life is death. It's a certainty, it's the one condition of living that we're given but we often let it tear us apart'.
I don't want to be a hypocrite to myself(which I think I already am) about this whole matter. I want to MEAN what I say. As in really really mean and support it. I gave the support but it seems that I can't accept the whole thing, just yet. Everything is just TOO SUDDEN. Having new people in your life suddenly changes everything. Practically every SINGLE THING. Living situation, financially, my night life etc. I'm not sure whether I can still do what I'm doing right now in the coming future or not. I don't want anything to change. I mean I'm fine this way. Being like this is perfectly just right. Close friends told me that I'm supposed to give chances and adapt to changes, and that time will play its part. I don't want to feel restricted later on in life. Even though the freedom I have now is not really much, I'm content with it. Getting home in the morning around 2 or 3 is kinda norm for me during the weekends. I don't want this particular thing to be disallowed or whatever you called it. The most important thing of all is I DON'T WANT TO MOVE AWAY FROM THE CURRENT LIVING PLACE. My work place is nearby, my relatives lives around the area, I can just walk back home from the coffeeshop I frequent till morning, my dearest brother lives nearby too. Practically, I've grown attached to this place. It'll be sucha turning point if I were to ever move. This WHOLE THING is super tough. There's just TOO many factors to think about but I just don't dare to speak my mind. I don't want to disappoint nor do I want to rebel against anyone. Siblings seems to be happy about the whole thing. Looks like they are looking forward to it. But not me.
Totally different story now.
Timetable's changed. No more lessons till 4. The latest is 3. And the earliest is 12. HRA is getting sucha dread. And as usual, will try to sleep even though I'm right in front. Cannot take it lah, just 2-3 pages alone, he will take more than 2 days to teach. Wahlau eh...Can pengsan sia..AOA is beginning to be a lil interesting for me. Maybe lah. Sometimes will just give up and surf the net when I don't understand what she's talking about, and will then make it up by asking mates around me. Heh..MKT. Another interesting module. Projects coming up soon. Gotta make plans for it already. Might be doing it individually?? Cos some of my grp mates have signed up for the MasterCard thingy. Well, everything is not confirmed yet though.
Things in school are taking on a totally different toll now. Tension seems to be getting higher/bigger/whatever lah. There's just no more US anymore. Everyone seems to be heading their own ways. I blame no one. Maybe they have their reasons for doing so. And for whatever reason it may be, I respect it. No doubt I may not know the WHOLE story, but I know being in the situation itself is seriously dreadful. Some may put on a calm and happy front when in fact, their hearts and minds are rocking like hell. Truth is, I'm not really used to the tension after a yr plus being together and stuffs. Laughters, stories, smiles are not being shared anymore. Well, I guess I too have to start leading my own way somehow. It's just a wonder and irony on how US used to be so close yet so far now. Just due to some misunderstandings?? Well, maybe to me it's not really a HUGE thing but to them maybe it is. Hence, I shall now take myself off from it. No matter what, both sides are still my friends. They used to be the ones cheering, motivate and help me during those times. Memories are all that remains.
Enough of all these. Hana, get well soon ayte. Am sorry that your Raya wasn't a wonderful one. Well, mine wasn't either. It has not been any for the past 4 years. Next year might be different however. Gosh..I can't imagine IT happening.
Till then, Assalamualaikum.
'The only certainty is life is death. It's a certainty, it's the one condition of living that we're given but we often let it tear us apart'.
Fullstop at
6:07 PM
6:07 PM
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Firstly, condolences to my dearest cousin on losing his chinese grandma earlier. Sorry to hear that, cuz. Will see you soon ayte.
Anyway, life back in school. Everyone was practically so happy to see each other back on the first day but not yours truly. There were smiles everywhere not forgetting hugs too. I didn't feel the same way however. Timetable for this term is ok except for Tuesdays and Thursdays where there's long hours. 8-4. Goodness. So first week of school was barely fine. Was already absent for 2 days in a row. Due to some stupid cramp in the stomach. Btw, congrats to the newly elected councillors. People like Syirah, Intan, Iman, Imran and the rest lah. All the best in venturing councillor's life for the next 1 and a half years. =)
I had this thinking in mind. That is to quit school. Yes. My heart is just not there anymore. I don't have any interest in school anymore. People have been telling me that it's only 4 more months to graduation, just endure. Gosh. That 4 more months is horrendous for me. I told one of my brother about it and the answer she gave was, "I'll slap your face if you were to do that!". Sighs. So what should I do now? Yes, no doubt I attend the lessons, but my mind and heart is just not there. It's either I doze off or stare blankly at the pages. Not that I don't understand what's been taught(well, maybe some I really don't understand), but it's just simply gone. I mean, the spirit to study is not there anymore. Maybe cos of the surroundings? People around me? Environment? I think the bottom of it is, JUST MYSELF. I don't dare tell dad about this for fear that he'll shout at me. Heh..Guess I have no other options but to stay put.
Siblings have been helping out at
THE ONE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAME's house, for the past 3 days. And they spent almost half a day there and will only be back around 2 plus in the morning together with dad. It's not that I don't wanna go there, it's just that I'm not ready yet. So, I spent my night away at this particular coffeeshop I frequent, together with my mates and brother. Chit chat, laugh and make lame jokes till 2 or 3. Been going home at that kinda time for like the whole of my holidays. Today's an exceptional. Was pretty tired and sleepy after cleaning up my room in the evening(cos I woke up ard 3 plus?), like FINALLY. Hence, dad said, "Aha! Finally, your room's all done huh..". Heh..
Oh yeah, 13th of Oct. Breaking of fast with the old people. However, this time with an extra someone. Someone from our past. Our sec 1 mate who went to another school the next year. So yeah..Almost the 7 of us haven't been in touch with her for the past 6 years. So can you imagine how I was during that period??!! I was practically half quiet. Just talk when necessary. When Khai and gang came, then I was my usual self. But not for long. Then tense came back when HE came. Was tryna avoid any eye contact with him throughout. Then had this lil bdae celebration, together along with Muz and HIM. Well, everything was indeed well planned by Khairul, my dear friend. Thanks a lot brother. Appreciate it very very much. And yeah, I can't confirm my presence for the raya outing on the 4th. Seriously sorry.
2 days ago, the good friend at work told me something, which set me thinking up till now during our msn conversation. Just a week ago, we had this misunderstanding online, and I cried during that whole convo. Whatever he said just pricks into my inner self. Since then, I became kinda emotional. Couldn't control my tears. They will just fall when I watch tv, lying on my bed, listening to some musics and sometimes when talking to friends. Absolutely weird it is. I am becoming more sensitive and emotional nowadays. I still can't find the reason and who that person my friend is referring to. My instincts tell me that it's the man himself. I could not afford to lose him. He has taught me just so many things, about life especially.
This is tough.
Ramadhan's ending, Raya's coming. I'm not ready for it. Am not looking forward anyway. The only thing I'm looking forward for is to visit mum, at her tomb that is. I miss her badly. Raya's gonna be pretty much the same; stay at cousin's house till evening then go visiting the elderly on dad's side. Though it's supposed to be a joyous occassion, it won't be for me.
Not sure when I'll be back updating. So in advance,
SALAM AIDILFITRI MAAF ZAHIR BATIN.
Anyway, life back in school. Everyone was practically so happy to see each other back on the first day but not yours truly. There were smiles everywhere not forgetting hugs too. I didn't feel the same way however. Timetable for this term is ok except for Tuesdays and Thursdays where there's long hours. 8-4. Goodness. So first week of school was barely fine. Was already absent for 2 days in a row. Due to some stupid cramp in the stomach. Btw, congrats to the newly elected councillors. People like Syirah, Intan, Iman, Imran and the rest lah. All the best in venturing councillor's life for the next 1 and a half years. =)
I had this thinking in mind. That is to quit school. Yes. My heart is just not there anymore. I don't have any interest in school anymore. People have been telling me that it's only 4 more months to graduation, just endure. Gosh. That 4 more months is horrendous for me. I told one of my brother about it and the answer she gave was, "I'll slap your face if you were to do that!". Sighs. So what should I do now? Yes, no doubt I attend the lessons, but my mind and heart is just not there. It's either I doze off or stare blankly at the pages. Not that I don't understand what's been taught(well, maybe some I really don't understand), but it's just simply gone. I mean, the spirit to study is not there anymore. Maybe cos of the surroundings? People around me? Environment? I think the bottom of it is, JUST MYSELF. I don't dare tell dad about this for fear that he'll shout at me. Heh..Guess I have no other options but to stay put.
Siblings have been helping out at
THE ONE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAME's house, for the past 3 days. And they spent almost half a day there and will only be back around 2 plus in the morning together with dad. It's not that I don't wanna go there, it's just that I'm not ready yet. So, I spent my night away at this particular coffeeshop I frequent, together with my mates and brother. Chit chat, laugh and make lame jokes till 2 or 3. Been going home at that kinda time for like the whole of my holidays. Today's an exceptional. Was pretty tired and sleepy after cleaning up my room in the evening(cos I woke up ard 3 plus?), like FINALLY. Hence, dad said, "Aha! Finally, your room's all done huh..". Heh..
Oh yeah, 13th of Oct. Breaking of fast with the old people. However, this time with an extra someone. Someone from our past. Our sec 1 mate who went to another school the next year. So yeah..Almost the 7 of us haven't been in touch with her for the past 6 years. So can you imagine how I was during that period??!! I was practically half quiet. Just talk when necessary. When Khai and gang came, then I was my usual self. But not for long. Then tense came back when HE came. Was tryna avoid any eye contact with him throughout. Then had this lil bdae celebration, together along with Muz and HIM. Well, everything was indeed well planned by Khairul, my dear friend. Thanks a lot brother. Appreciate it very very much. And yeah, I can't confirm my presence for the raya outing on the 4th. Seriously sorry.
2 days ago, the good friend at work told me something, which set me thinking up till now during our msn conversation. Just a week ago, we had this misunderstanding online, and I cried during that whole convo. Whatever he said just pricks into my inner self. Since then, I became kinda emotional. Couldn't control my tears. They will just fall when I watch tv, lying on my bed, listening to some musics and sometimes when talking to friends. Absolutely weird it is. I am becoming more sensitive and emotional nowadays. I still can't find the reason and who that person my friend is referring to. My instincts tell me that it's the man himself. I could not afford to lose him. He has taught me just so many things, about life especially.
This is tough.
Ramadhan's ending, Raya's coming. I'm not ready for it. Am not looking forward anyway. The only thing I'm looking forward for is to visit mum, at her tomb that is. I miss her badly. Raya's gonna be pretty much the same; stay at cousin's house till evening then go visiting the elderly on dad's side. Though it's supposed to be a joyous occassion, it won't be for me.
Not sure when I'll be back updating. So in advance,
SALAM AIDILFITRI MAAF ZAHIR BATIN.
Fullstop at
1:25 AM
1:25 AM
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
A birthday which wasn't like a birthday...Stayed home the whole day, sleeping in, watch tv, get online, did some reading. Just like any normal day. Nevertheless, spent time with family the day before. Got this cake which was made by a someone in the future. Was pretty nice though. Very creative he is. Appreciate it very much. Many many thanks to the future someone.
Well, on the strike of midnight, sms came in and there goes the usual wishes. Via msn too. Yat, the crappy partner also wasn't left out. She did something which made me start off with laughing but ended up crying. It was seriously very touching indeed. Very cute and very creative. Haha...THANK YOU SO MUCH MY DEAR FRIEND. I shall patiently wait for the wrapping paper ayte..Lols..
Work was superb just now. The good friend at work told the people there abt my big day yesterday. Hence, my dear dear manager of all, got some plan. Once it was 10pm, and while I was washing some stuffs, the good friend grabbed me by the arm and carried me to this spot. There, good friend, manager and another accomplice tied my hands and legs. Tried to break free but they were too strong for me. Just imagine lah..3 guys and I'm alone. They seriously have such enormous strength. Was practically cursing and swearing at them. My shoe on the other hand, kept coming off. Super irritating. Then they carried me outside, like I was some kind of prisoner and on the grass, laid me down. Was showered with buckets filled with eggs, flour and water. So fresh!! Even went to the extent of shouting, 'Rape!', when my manager puts his legs on my back which made me hard to breathe. Haha...Thinking back and watching the video, it was indeed hilarious. Tried getting back at them but gave up as I was tired with the struggling earlier on.
Now, both my arms are in pain. A small spot of blue black can be found too. Immediately cleanse myself upon reaching home. Can't stand the yuckiness. Heh..
A totally different story now.
School's starting next week. In fact in less than 4 days. 16th. I'm not ready for school. Never ever was anyway. Back to the duties, events, rules and regulations, lectures and classes. Gotta get another new mask. This time with more colourful designs. Oh boy!
Am currently hooked to this book which I bought 2 days ago. Cecelia Ahern-Where Rainbows End. It's simply fantastic!! The storyline is great. I could imagine it happening in my own life. Very life related. Like for once, I stopped buying those investigative Sandra Browns, but instead Love/Friendship/Life stories. How irony. Cos I used to find these kinda books a bit boring and no 'kick'. Now, now..My view has changed.
'Our life is made up of time. Our days are measured in hours. Our pay measured by those hours and our knowledge is measured by years.'
'Just when you get used to something, zap! It changes. Just when you begin to understand someone, zap! They grow up.'
Now what?? Life..Ain't easy after all..Well, who said it was anyway? Hack..
Fullstop at
12:38 AM
12:38 AM
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Fasting month has been great so far...Am either breaking fast with dad and siblings or work mates...It's the same old again..Work and home. Been kinda shagged for the past few days due to long hours at work. Well, what more can I do besides working..Heh..Am not ready for the big day however. Haven't start to spring clean, haven't decide on what to wear or buy...There's just so much for me to do and it's not like I don't have time for it, but it's just that I don't want to spend the time doing it. All I do when I'm not working is sleeping in till evening, get online and watch tv. I don't even go out and spend time with friends or hang out at the malls nowadays.
Old mates suggested on breaking fast outside on the 13th in conjuction with some bdae celebrations. Same thing with the some of the SC mates, but on the 9th. Haven't decided on the venue and time and who's going yet. I don't bother much abt the 9th though. It's the one on the 13th that I'm thinking abt. I don't know if I should really present myself or not. Even though I yearn to see the OLD US again..The 8 of us that is. I'm sure it's gonna be wonderful with all of us back together, but it's tough for me. As much as I want to go, it's also that much I don't want to. Oh boy...
Anyway, dearest friend from the US called me the other day when he was in SG for transit. How exhilirated I was upon hearing from him. Was practically shouting on the phone with him. How I miss him. He'll be back here next May. Still long. It's irony on how I miss those overseas yet I don't miss the ones locally, though I haven't been meeting for ages.
Yat, the crappy partner is looking forward to school, which is so unbelievable!! Why? I asked her so. And she said she can't wait to see me. How touched!! =) Lols. Even though we spend almost every night online, you still miss me dearly huh...HAHA...How's results? Heh...I didn't even remember abt it till you mentioned. She's sooooo nervous abt it and was wondering how can I be so calm abt it. Seriously, results gonna be out on 4th, as said. I don't feel a thing. AT ALL. I'm not worried. I'm not nervous. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE. I SHOULD BE. I don't know why I don't feel anything about results. I'm not even thinking if my GPA were to fall, if I were to fail my modules.
Been feeling listless everyday. I can't find the cure yet. The reasons. Oh heck..The "CAN'T BE BOTHERED" attitude has already been instilled in me. Seriously, I seem to give up on certain things.
SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG WITH ME, SOMEWHERE.
There is a part of me
That feels I am different from everyone else.
Something that I can't quite see,
Something that I can't quite feel
Something so unreal.
But this 'thing' is always there,
This 'thing' with others,
I will never share.
So I push it to the back of my mind,
All the thoughts of boys and clothes
And make-up, it is hiding behind.
Sometimes, when I have almost forgotten,
It comes back with such ferocity,
Angry and unforgiving.
I feel so lost and sad,
Whatever caused this feeling
Must have been so horrible and bad.
A lost memory or something else,
I'll never know,
Whatever it is,
I know for sure,
I can never let this feeling show.
Old mates suggested on breaking fast outside on the 13th in conjuction with some bdae celebrations. Same thing with the some of the SC mates, but on the 9th. Haven't decided on the venue and time and who's going yet. I don't bother much abt the 9th though. It's the one on the 13th that I'm thinking abt. I don't know if I should really present myself or not. Even though I yearn to see the OLD US again..The 8 of us that is. I'm sure it's gonna be wonderful with all of us back together, but it's tough for me. As much as I want to go, it's also that much I don't want to. Oh boy...
Anyway, dearest friend from the US called me the other day when he was in SG for transit. How exhilirated I was upon hearing from him. Was practically shouting on the phone with him. How I miss him. He'll be back here next May. Still long. It's irony on how I miss those overseas yet I don't miss the ones locally, though I haven't been meeting for ages.
Yat, the crappy partner is looking forward to school, which is so unbelievable!! Why? I asked her so. And she said she can't wait to see me. How touched!! =) Lols. Even though we spend almost every night online, you still miss me dearly huh...HAHA...How's results? Heh...I didn't even remember abt it till you mentioned. She's sooooo nervous abt it and was wondering how can I be so calm abt it. Seriously, results gonna be out on 4th, as said. I don't feel a thing. AT ALL. I'm not worried. I'm not nervous. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE. I SHOULD BE. I don't know why I don't feel anything about results. I'm not even thinking if my GPA were to fall, if I were to fail my modules.
Been feeling listless everyday. I can't find the cure yet. The reasons. Oh heck..The "CAN'T BE BOTHERED" attitude has already been instilled in me. Seriously, I seem to give up on certain things.
SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG WITH ME, SOMEWHERE.
There is a part of me
That feels I am different from everyone else.
Something that I can't quite see,
Something that I can't quite feel
Something so unreal.
But this 'thing' is always there,
This 'thing' with others,
I will never share.
So I push it to the back of my mind,
All the thoughts of boys and clothes
And make-up, it is hiding behind.
Sometimes, when I have almost forgotten,
It comes back with such ferocity,
Angry and unforgiving.
I feel so lost and sad,
Whatever caused this feeling
Must have been so horrible and bad.
A lost memory or something else,
I'll never know,
Whatever it is,
I know for sure,
I can never let this feeling show.
Fullstop at
1:30 AM
1:30 AM
