Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Firstly, I would like to apologize to the people who thinks that I've shunned you guys away by not mixing/talking/and keeping to myself most of the time. You guys have done no wrong whatsoever so don't worry. I'm currently having the BIGGEST PROBLEM which involves my future and my entire life. I'm not ready to really talk about it as I think it's not really something to be proud of( or is it?). Well, I'm still finding the answer. This whole predicament is taking myself down. I keep thinking and thinking, regardless of day or night, at work or in school and even in my sleep.
I don't want to be a hypocrite to myself(which I think I already am) about this whole matter. I want to MEAN what I say. As in really really mean and support it. I gave the support but it seems that I can't accept the whole thing, just yet. Everything is just TOO SUDDEN. Having new people in your life suddenly changes everything. Practically every SINGLE THING. Living situation, financially, my night life etc. I'm not sure whether I can still do what I'm doing right now in the coming future or not. I don't want anything to change. I mean I'm fine this way. Being like this is perfectly just right. Close friends told me that I'm supposed to give chances and adapt to changes, and that time will play its part. I don't want to feel restricted later on in life. Even though the freedom I have now is not really much, I'm content with it. Getting home in the morning around 2 or 3 is kinda norm for me during the weekends. I don't want this particular thing to be disallowed or whatever you called it. The most important thing of all is I DON'T WANT TO MOVE AWAY FROM THE CURRENT LIVING PLACE. My work place is nearby, my relatives lives around the area, I can just walk back home from the coffeeshop I frequent till morning, my dearest brother lives nearby too. Practically, I've grown attached to this place. It'll be sucha turning point if I were to ever move. This WHOLE THING is super tough. There's just TOO many factors to think about but I just don't dare to speak my mind. I don't want to disappoint nor do I want to rebel against anyone. Siblings seems to be happy about the whole thing. Looks like they are looking forward to it. But not me.
Totally different story now.
Timetable's changed. No more lessons till 4. The latest is 3. And the earliest is 12. HRA is getting sucha dread. And as usual, will try to sleep even though I'm right in front. Cannot take it lah, just 2-3 pages alone, he will take more than 2 days to teach. Wahlau eh...Can pengsan sia..AOA is beginning to be a lil interesting for me. Maybe lah. Sometimes will just give up and surf the net when I don't understand what she's talking about, and will then make it up by asking mates around me. Heh..MKT. Another interesting module. Projects coming up soon. Gotta make plans for it already. Might be doing it individually?? Cos some of my grp mates have signed up for the MasterCard thingy. Well, everything is not confirmed yet though.
Things in school are taking on a totally different toll now. Tension seems to be getting higher/bigger/whatever lah. There's just no more US anymore. Everyone seems to be heading their own ways. I blame no one. Maybe they have their reasons for doing so. And for whatever reason it may be, I respect it. No doubt I may not know the WHOLE story, but I know being in the situation itself is seriously dreadful. Some may put on a calm and happy front when in fact, their hearts and minds are rocking like hell. Truth is, I'm not really used to the tension after a yr plus being together and stuffs. Laughters, stories, smiles are not being shared anymore. Well, I guess I too have to start leading my own way somehow. It's just a wonder and irony on how US used to be so close yet so far now. Just due to some misunderstandings?? Well, maybe to me it's not really a HUGE thing but to them maybe it is. Hence, I shall now take myself off from it. No matter what, both sides are still my friends. They used to be the ones cheering, motivate and help me during those times. Memories are all that remains.
Enough of all these. Hana, get well soon ayte. Am sorry that your Raya wasn't a wonderful one. Well, mine wasn't either. It has not been any for the past 4 years. Next year might be different however. Gosh..I can't imagine IT happening.
Till then, Assalamualaikum.
'The only certainty is life is death. It's a certainty, it's the one condition of living that we're given but we often let it tear us apart'.
Fullstop at
6:07 PM
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I never thought I would have a
complicated future. Well, I guess that's how
life works. Maybe HE has the best answer to it all.
Khairunnisa
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