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"I sometimes find I'm drifting
Through this life without effect;
I often wonder if I'm truly
Worth what I've been blessed.
I search through days that have been hard,
To try to understand,
The many trials that I have known,
The life that I have had.
You see me in my daily grind,
So confident and strong;
Yet when I am alone, I question
Just where I belong.
I often try too hard I find,
To analyze and guess,
To scrutinize, investigate
My life I will confess.
For somewhere deeper, there must be
Some meaning to this life,
Some way to make a difference,
Give a reason for this strife.
Is there some hidden meaning?
Some agenda to be found?
A greater purpose waiting
If I care to hang around?
It teases and it taunts me,
Always slightly out of sight;
A hazy vision out of reach,
Where darkness hides the light.
I struggle to bring clarity
To what awaits me there,
And yet this weak illusion
Always fades before my stare.
It seems the harder that I try,
To focus through the haze,
Just serves to add more questions,
Through my endless, tired gaze.
Perhaps I'm trying just too hard,
To understand it all,
For can we ever truly know
Just what we have in store?
Each incident, each moment passed,
Just adds upon the next,
But in the end, will I find truth ...
Or will I be perplexed?
Perhaps I make it harder
Than it has to be sometimes,
But will my searching bring to me
My meaning over time?
Or will it leave me broken,
And confused as I feel now,
While questions bring no solitude,
To this, my wrinkled brow.


Kit McCallum

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Sometimes, I wonder if whatever I've done all these while, is it right? What have I gain so far? What have I lost? Sometimes, when I think back, do I really have to try that hard for something? Just what is my purpose? Just where am I heading to?

Sometimes, to me what I did is just nothing but someone somewhere, will think of it as a mistake done. Sometimes I don't think that I'm twisting stuffs around my lil finger but someone else thinks the other way round.
There will be someone who thinks that I'm meddling with things which I'm not supposed to. There will be someone who thinks that I'm not really old nor mature enough to handle certain stuffs.
There will be someone who'll be going against my methods and means.
There will be someone who thinks that I will always rebel and stick within myself.
Sometimes, I don't think that what I'm doing all these while is unsafe, or rather, unappropriate, but the someone else thinks it is. Get what I mean?

I'm not saying that there is a particular someone, but so far all these while, there will always be a barrier against what I want to do. Okay, maybe at times it's not a 'someone', but just 'something' which will prevent me to proceed on.

It gets harder when FEELINGS are involved. It always does, ain't it. I guess, I should back away and lay low, at least for a while.


Oh anyways, I was soooo very exhilarated when I saw the lil boy. Maybe no longer a boy. I should start calling him 'Young Man'. Haha.. It's been really long. Like what, 2 or 3 years? Since I last saw him? Yeah, that long.. No doubt we do still keep in contact but having to bump into each other just now, it was just GREAT. I just miss him.. My lil boy.. =)

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Fullstop at
9:36 AM

Thursday, June 07, 2007

One moment you were happily talking and joking around. Suddenly, there won't be any moment like that anymore. It's saddening to know that your friend won't be around any longer. All these happpened because HE has rule them out.

I thought he could have survived through the terrible ordeal, but boy I was wrong. How to when he's suffered 70 plus percent of burnt for the whole body. Well, there might be a lil hope, like I thought. But still, the worst happened. All the time we spent has vanished in a moment. Remains are only memories. Nevertheless, I never regret knowing you and adding you in my list of friends. May you have a better life up there. Insyallah.

Semoga ALLAH s.w.t mencucuri rahmatmu, Nizam. Al fatiha.

Amin.



P.s. To all riders, do ride safely and think of your own life, the pillion and also your beloved. The most important thing, NEVER EVER SPEED.


Fullstop at
10:01 PM

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Was totally drained out during the past week. Barely had a good rest even on off day. Work. That's always on my agenda every single day. Sometimes, I feel it is going way too much, but sometimes when I think back, if I don't spend my time working, what else can I do? Studying is kinda off peak for me right now. Spending time with family? That's a very rare thing to do. Or rather, the hardest.

Someone at work said something which just hits me right in the face, yesterday. I was practically dumbfounded upon hearing that. Couldn't really react to the situation. One word. CONTROL. And when I relate that situation with a brother, he couldn't help but to agree. Was given a preach for about an hour, by that brother. Things seems to be getting tougher and tougher. While as for myself, kept saying that I'll try but nothing seems to be motivating me. Self-motivation is very useless for me. He even suggested that I should try counselling, saying it's good for ownself.

Different people have different types of preception. Some are way too far off, some might be too lenient whereas some others take it as it is. Changing takes a whole lot of time. Some changes are bound to happen and some are forced to change. And of course, there's also the 'no changing' part. It's all up to individuals, no doubt. However, if it's killing you too much till you can barely face it, what's the best choice to make? RESPECT. That's another issue. You find it hard to change certain things due to your respect to that someone, or something. What kind of respect is that called if that person keeps making things difficult for you, he said. That someone is not worth your respect, he added. Being on the fence, without making any decisions, is freaking hard. My mind was on the verge of bursting. Yes, I can close one eye. Well, actually I've been closing one eye of mine for like so long already. If I were to close the other eye, I'm not myself anymore. People would think that I'm crazy so as to handle things peacefully, when they are actually not.

For how long will you be able to hold your respect for that someone you've known for a long time? When you know he/she did something very wrong but he/she don't think that way. Plus you know that he/she will never ever accept any words from you. Are you just going to leave things on the lurch and fend for your own? Or will you turn things around? What if you don't know just what is best for you? What if you need that someone in your life? I was told that certain things are not meant to be kept forever. They have to be thrown away or your own life will be made miserable. How true is that?

"I'm not getting any younger and I should be able to decide for my own. What's right and what's not, What's best and what's worst. Do things slowly and something new will bear out of it.You can never ever stop learning. Always remember to not let others take control of or decide for you. You don't owe them a living. You live your life the way is it. They are just the extras."

That was what I learnt during the preach.


Fullstop at
9:23 PM

[P]rofiles
I never thought I would have a complicated future. Well, I guess that's how life works. Maybe HE has the best answer to it all.

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Khairunnisa
101087
Fickle-head
Hopeless
Vulnerable
Cookie Addict
Heavy Sleeper
Cookie Monster & Spongebob Fan
Huge Procrastinator
Dysfunctional mind
Gastrics=BEST FRIEND

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[E]xits
[Issac]
[Nazurah]
[1/4]
[Khairul]
[Fadzillah]
[2/4]
[Nana]
[Irza]
[Jannah]
[Kak Sally]
[Nana]
[Eddy]
[Hidayah]
[Fariza]
[Aini]
[Syasya]
[Deeyana]
[Yat]
[Muz]
[Syikin]
[Darn]
[T]agging




[C]redits
Design & Concept: ChronoCube
Base Codes: effloresce} & wishix
Font: dafont
Image: ChronoCube
Brushes: Ca-pris
Software Used: Photoshop CS 2 & Dreamweaver 8
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